I Get No Respect

In his excellent book entitled The Wisdom of Life. Schopenhauer divides the subject into three parts: 1) What a man is; 2) what a man has; and 3) position or a man’s reputation in the opinion of others.

In Capter IV he begins:

“By a peculiar weakness of human nature, people generally think too much about the opinion which others form of them; although the slightest reflection will show that this opinion, whatever it may be, is not in itself essential to happiness. Therefore it is hard to understand why everybody feels so very pleased when he sees that other people have a good opinion of him, or say anything flattering to his vanity.”

The late Rodney Dangerfield was famous for saying, “I get no respect.” Everybody thought that was funny, but most people didn’t know why. The answer is that respect like reputation is entirely dependent on others. and to be so absorbed by it makes one a puppet or weathervane and a laughing stock.

In his Discourses. Epictetus asked, “Your respect. trustworthiness and steadfastness, peace of mind, freedom from pain and fear, in a word your freedom, for how much would you sell these things?”

The answer, too often, is “for pennies on the dollar.” We trade our word for a small edge in business. We give up peace of mind for a bigger house or a nicer car to impress our snotty neighbors (who don’t care a fig for us). We mortgage our self-respect for fancy friends or elusive fame. We sell our freedom for a job that makes us miserable or a relationship full of incessant fighting. We only have one life to live, but how many of us sell it quickly and cheaply instead of olding on tightly to this incredible asset that we have been given? We value our principles and our happiness like penny stocks or old clothes.. In Stoicism, there are four virtues that are at the top of the hierarchy of human existence: Justice. Moderation. Wisdom. Courage. That is: Fairness. Discipline. Tranquility. Bravery. Compared to these things, everything else is cheap, if not worthless. No bargain is worth giving them up. And only a fool sells them.

There is an important distinction between two words (and concepts) that we commonly equate: dignity and respect.

People who get angry too often say, “I’m not being respected.” But respect is something you can’t control, right? Dignity, on the contrary. is inside you, dignity is yours.

This is an excellent point and aligns perfectly with Stoicism. To the Stoics, the two main categories that everything had to be sorted into were the things that are up to us and the things that are not up to us.

Although it is nice to be respected, it really isn’t something that is up to us. But acting with dignity? Maintaining our own standards—our self-respect? That’s ours. Always. Even when we are under stress, facing adversity, or someone is trying to humiliate us—dignity remains firmly in our control, provided we don’t give it up.

That is what made Cato such a towering figure to Marcus Aurelius and Seneca and generations of Stoics and why Dante put him as the guardian to Purgatory. Cato didn’t care what other people thought about him, what they said to him, what they did to him. Sometimes public opinion lined up with his moral compass, sometimes it didn’t, but he never let that sway him from following what really mattered. Even when they showered him with curses or tried to kill him, he stuck fast. While we “can’t control what people are doing, we can control how we react to their actions. That is the main point of Stoicism..

That’s what dignity is about. It is in the category of things we can control. For that reason it’s much more important than “respect.”

Aristotle says, To be happy means to be self-sufficient. You can't be happy if your happiness depends on people and things outside of you.

That does not mean that we should ignore others or be rude to them. We can accept what they say to us with a smile, but if we are convinced of something, we should hold fast to our opinion or conduct.

All other sources of happiness are fleeing, uncertain, precarious, unpredictable, and can easily be taken away.

How often has someone at the pinnacle of popularity or fame been cast down by fickle public opinion?

The older we get, the more do these external sources of happiness dry up, e.g. friends (who die or move away), the urge to travel, aptitude for company, delight in cars and gadgets, etc. Then more than ever are we thrown back upon ourselves.

What will we find there?

Will we have the psychological shock absorbers to get through the pot holes on our life’s journey?

Or will we be plunged into dark despair that we are faced with nothingness?

In such a cruel and indifferent world, the man who is rich inside is like a bright, warm room at Christmastimewhen snow is falling and cold winds are blowing outside.

Thus it is very foolish to sacrifice the inner for the outer man.

You have to live among people, so you must allow everyone the right to exist in accordance with his nature and not condemn him or try to change him.

For the sake of our peace of mind we have to learn the art of putting up with people.

It is just as foolish to become indignant at them as it is to become angry because we have encountered a traffic jam.

We can control our anger and other negative emotions if we remember that this is the domain that is (or should be) under our control.

No one said this is easy, but it is something that is essential to our happiness and psychic well-being.